Title: WHO’S IN CHARGE?

Focus: Parents must exercise their God-given parental authority, and children must learn to honor their parents and obey their authority.

Function: To encourage parents and children to live by Scriptures’ instructions for the home.

Text: Ephesians 6:1-4

There was never any doubt in my mind as to who was in charge in our home when I grew up as a kid. My mother was in charge in the house; my father was in charge running the greenhouse business. In small matters, my Mom had a lot of say. In big matters—such as whether I—as a 16 year old should study at a trade school hours away from home and at the expense of my parents—my father had the final say.

Today, generally speaking, things are different in our society. It seems that parents are relinquishing their roles of parental authority. And more and more kids seem to run the households of America.

I did not grow up in a rigidly strict home. My parents could be flexible in bending the rules, but somehow we kids always knew when we had crossed the boundaries and broken the rules. And if we did not quite get it, my parents were not afraid to apply a spanking or firm discipline to remind us of the rules. Believe it or not, but I grew up in a relatively happy home. I think it was because my parents showed their love to us by exercising authority and providing structure in our family.

It is quite easy to come up with examples of broken homes and run-a-mock American families, where children seem to “rule the roost.” But I do not wish to go that route. Stephanie Coontz, for example, in her article “The American Family: Where We are Today” writes “Fathers in intact families are spending more time with their children than at any point in the past 100 years.” And she tells us that “Although the number of hours the average woman spends at home with her children has declined since the early 1900s, as more and more women enter the workforce, there has been a decrease in the number of children per family and an increase in individual attention to each child. As a result, mothers today in the United States—including those who work part-or full-time—spend almost twice as much time with each child as mothers did in the 1920s. People who raised children in the 1940s and 1950s typically report that their own adult children and grandchildren communicate far better with their kids and spend more time helping with homework than they did.” I thought that was a telling observation about American families today.

Yet, I think we do well to reflect upon some basic Biblical teachings on family life. For I do think that family life and our homes will suffer if we loose sight of the Scriptures’ teachings on parental authority and parental priorities. Today, I will emphasize that parents must exercise their God-given parental authority, and children must learn to honor their parents and obey their authority. About 4 weeks later, on July 6 I hope to reflect with you on parental priorities. So, I raise the question again, “When it comes to our homes, who are in charge? Parents? Or Children?

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Perhaps, my question is a bit misleading, because some may think that I am talking about dominance, or bossiness, or bullying. I am not interested in such qualities, however. No, I’m talking about assuming leadership roles in the home. In the words of Caesar Milan (the lead person in the TV. program the Dog whisperer) ”Who is the leader of the pack?” Dad and Mom, or the kids?

Note that the apostle Paul sets the tone for his discussion of leadership in the home by writing to the Christians in Ephesus saying: (5:21) “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” And then Paul works out this mutual, Christian submission in the relationship between husbands and wife, and then in the relationships between parents and children, and then between slaves and their employers (since in those days slaves were very much part of the average home).

And this is what Scripture says to children and parents: “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ‘Honor your father and mother’—which is the first commandment with a promise—‘that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.’ Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”

Let me speak directly to children—you who are between the ages of 7 and 17 years: Obedience is not a dirty word. It’s a magic word that leads to happiness when parents and children do what God tells us to do. First of all, we learn that you, children, are under the authority of your parents. God used them to give you life; and in order for you to live and grow up to become strong and mature, you need parents who feed you, clothe you, teach you, guide you and protect you. In order for you to grow up strong, you must follow their lead. And this is right. This is as God intended it from the beginning.

Secondly, you—and your parents—are under the authority of the Lord Jesus Christ. I say that because your obedience to your parents must be in line with the character and Word of Jesus. That is, you must obey your parents “in the Lord.” And your parents must exercise their parental authority “in the Lord.” If your parents would ask you to do something wrong, (like stealing your neighbor’s bicycle), you must disobey your parents, because stealing is not the way of Jesus. Theft goes against God’s Word.

Obeying your parents, then, in general, is the right thing to do. Your parents gave you life by birth. Now you must grow up under their authority, always remembering that you and your parents are under the authority of Jesus. As children must obey their parents, so parents must obey their Lord who gives them charge over their children.

All of this means that you, children, must know your place. When children obey their parents, children will avoid chaos and lots of pain in their homes. Those of you who are a bit older, check it out. Usually, wherever you find kids in trouble, you find a home in disarray. Lots of teenage children are hurting and dying today because their parents let them do whatever they want, or because these kids don’t listen to their parents and do as they please.

That’s why God reminds us in the fifth commandment that children who honor and obey their parents tend to live longer because they grow up in homes or environments that are safe, not chaotic, but structured—defined by loving and respectful relationships. I would like to encourage you children to work hard on at least two things:

(1) Seek to honor the Lord Jesus in your life. As you learn more and more about God’s love for you (as mentioned in the Bible), I pray that you learn to love Jesus as your Savior, your Shepherd and closest Friend. Pray to him; do what Jesus calls you to do: love and serve him and your neighbor. Always trust him and talk to him and let him talk to you. Listen to his small voice within you, and listen especially to him in God’s Word. When you learn to relate to Jesus as your Savior, Shepherd and Friend, you will also at the same time learn to “obey and honor your parents.”

(2) Be truthful and trustworthy. You see, (here’s a secret) parents are looking forward to the day when you can “spread your wings,” leave the home, and be a strong, mature young man or woman in society. Parents know that they will have to let you go. If you show that you can be trusted, by telling the truth and by being faithful to your word and commitments, then it’s much easier for parents to let you go. Then the rules they have for you begin to fade away. And you’ll find that you have more and more freedom. Be truthful and trustworthy.

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Now it’s time to speak a word to parents in light of Scripture. Listen: “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” Note that the apostle Paul speaks directly to fathers. Mothers, however, are not excluded, because in this same passage Paul speaks to parents. Just as the reference to “brothers” in the Bible often includes sisters in the Lord, so here we do well to think inclusively: fathers and mothers.

However, I do think that fathers do well to listen up: men play a key role as husbands in relationship to their wives, and as fathers in relationship to their children. Paul brings out that key role here in the text when he says that we, fathers, must not provoke or exasperate our children; rather we “must bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” (I hope to say much more about this in about 4 weeks). Today, however, I wish to emphasize to us, fathers and mothers that

Ø We must assume our leadership role in the home. First of all, we must accept the role that God gives us as parents: We are custodians or stewards of the children God gives us. Our children are not our “pets;” they are not our copy-cats; we do not own them, nor should we demand that they become like us. The children are God’s gifts, and we are called to guide, shape, lead, nurture, protect, and train them to become what God calls them to be: men and women who live as disciples of Christ.

Secondly, as stewards of our children, we must exercise our God-given authority over them. Parents set the boundaries; parents insist on appropriate behavior; parents decide what’s best for children as they grow up. Parents set the rules and model to the children how to keep the rules; parents demand respect from the children and show how to give respect. Parents show the way of love and service and parents demands nothing less but the same from their children.

Parents guide; parents discipline; parents teach children to make sacrifices; parents do not spoil but shape the kids. Parents who exercise their authority “in the Lord” and who do so in the context of love and encouragement do not have to worry that their children become “exasperated.” For their children will flourish in such an environment. Therefore, I call parents, especially fathers, to step up to the plate and assume their leadership roles in the home.

Here’s my encouragement to you, parents. Your kids are “diamonds in the rough.” They are precious—in God’s sight, and I trust, also in your sight.

Ø Therefore, I wish to emphasize that we provide them with a structure at home, so that they can be polished, so that they can shine and become what God calls them to be. Firm and loving parental leadership is what is needed in our homes today.

I know that home life is different from the 60s or 70s. The challenges of our time place different demands on the home today than 3 decades ago. So, think through how you can structure your home life with the kids in such a way, so that there is time for family devotions, time for heart-to-heart talks, time for telling stories and sharing heartaches and joys.

How do you structure your days, so that you do not live life like “ships passing each other in the night,” but like a family unit where interaction and care is given and experienced? I cannot give you a prescription. Each home is different in its make-up and challenges. How you do it may differ from home to home. But be sure to provide structure and exercise parental authority.

For when we exercise our God-given parental authority, we also create an environment to practice parental priorities. Those priorities have to do with bringing up our children with the training and instruction of the Lord.

“Who is in charge?” is a good question. And obeying your parents “in the Lord” is a good thing. May God give us the will and the wisdom to live by his Word!

In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Amen.